Dear Officials of the United States Government,

Not long ago, I wrote to thank you for your interest in my reproductive system. But I never expressed my gratitude for all the benefits I have reaped from your interest in my reproductive system.

You see, around the time of my sexual maturity, I was something of an ugly duckling. Boys did not like me. I was not considered attractive by conventional standards of American suburbia.

But when I realized that men, powerful men, men who flew planes, men who wore cowboy boots, men who owned oil companies, masculine manly men, were fascinated with my body, all that changed. I realized that I must be a very beautiful, sexy, and attractive woman, a woman with a very hot body, and more than that, that my body is a place not only worthy of passing interest, nor even fascination, but obsession. Through the United States Government's willingness to discuss my crotch and womb on television, I began to feel as if my crotch radiated a special power that drew men to me as if by an invisible magnetic force.

The United States government's obsession with my crotch has empowered me to sleep with any man I want. If I was ever plagued by the insistent echoes of the insecurities of the science nerd I once was, I simply thought to myself, "The Commander in Chief is totally obsessed with my crotch! Of course that half-drunk graphic designer would be happy to see what all the fuss is about."

Because of your interest in my body and the confidence it has given me, I have been able to slut around with the highest quality of male specimens one can slut around with. I have slept with egotistical European trend forecasters, incoherent drummers and innovative found-object sculptors. I don't think I would have had the confidence to make witty drunken conversation with these people and then have sex with them if I did not have the voices of my President, my vice-President, my Attorney General and other government officials whispering encouragement in my ear.

I have had a lot of fun, meaningless, no-strings-attached sex with no consequences whatsoever, and it is all because of YOU, The United States Government. You guys always wanted the best for me, even when I was too scared to admit that I deserved it. I'm just saying thank you, from the bottom of my heart and womb, for everything.

Yours in gratitude,
Emily Weinstein