Having spent the entire month of February abstaining from all vices except chocolate, I now find myself at home on Saturday night reading the Bible. But Exodus was like a movie I'd seen one too many times (and that movie is called The Ten Commandments), and I soon abandoned the Old Testament for the internet, where I located the sacred texts of several major religions and started reading. This reminded me pleasantly of the time when I was a kid and invented my own religion to fill the void my atheist parents created by telling me, "There is no God, Emily, and don't let anyone tell you differently." I got stumped, however, by trying to define the word "pray" in a way that didn't involve a deity. I was so anti-institution even then that my congregation of one disbanded itself.

I am thinking of taking another stab at it, after I've read the Egyptian Book of the Dead, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the Bhagavad-Gita, the Middle Length Sayings of Buddha and the Quaran. Mine will be a "found religion," based solely on flotsam that has migrated into my life and has inexplicable meaning to me. I think I may begin with the fortune cookie fortunes I've saved. Buddhism has the Eightfold path; my religion will have the Seven Fortunes:

1. Don't wait for others to open the right doors for you.
2. It's time you asked that special someone out on a date.
3. Someone will invite you to a karaoke party.
4. Sell your ideas--they are totally acceptable.
5. Look up an old friend if you're feeling down.
6. Treasure your good memories and you need not worry about ending a banquet.
7. Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight never misses and appointment.

I will then cull my holy texts from the user manuals of my home appliances.